The Ultimate Toxic Relationship

The harm that comes along with social media isn’t new information, but it really has solidified its value and place in my life recently, and I had to share. I invite you along this journey to hear me on my soapbox and sing the sorrows and praises at the hand of social media.

Lets get the bad out of the way first - social media can really suck, okay? It gives me overwhelming FOMO, brings my biggest insecurities to the forefront and often, makes me feel less than. Its crazy how one post can send me into a spiral and yet, I go back for more? I find myself constantly comparing, without hesitation. The days I can push those feelings out of the way, I still think its the biggest time suck, but I can’t look away. I don’t even know what I’m looking for in the first place, but I know I can’t stop. I set timers, try to limit myself, but ignore them to no avail. “I’ll stop at the next bad video” and spoiler alert, I in fact, do not stop at the next bad video.

Take the other day, I saw someone posting about their latest property purchase - yeah, latest, as in, they have multiple. Pausing to address that person directly -

I am so happy for you, that is freaking amazing! But can you not show me? It hurts my feelings.

It isn’t out of a desire to take away what they have, but it drives me crazy. Its a funny cycle too, actually. Funny in the sense that I can recognize it as its happening. First, panic - why can’t I even buy one property? Do I not making enough money? Am I not saving enough? Will I ever buy a house? The market is only getting worse, its slipping away from me. Second, a half-ass attempt at self soothing - I have other things in my life I’m really proud of, owning a house doesn’t define me, its not a competition. Third, remembering that number two is trash because I (sadly) care what people think - what will people think of me if I don’t own a house? Am I loser? Can I bring a baby into an apartment when I’m paying rent? Will raising a kid in an apartment mess up the kid? I’m already a horrible mom and nothing’s happened yet. Step four is reminding myself that panicking and talking down to myself does nothing, going to just let go and let God. Thankfully step four tends to work well, but in an emergency, cheese is a very adequate step five.

If you’re asking yourself, Natalie, then why are you still on social media? Well, some days I’m not sure. I’ve given it up for Lent, suffered at first not knowing what to do with myself but eventually settle into the mystery - the mystery of not knowing what others are doing and the mystery of not having others know what I’m doing. But then, like with any toxic relationship, I get dragged back in - but for things that aren’t very toxic at all.

I see videos on how to talk kinder to myself, recipes with ingredients I actually own, people sharing the same stressors I don’t feel comfortable sharing out loud. There’s this shared camaraderie and raw honesty that you can stumble upon in social media, if you know where to look. Things that seem so niche and unique to you are expressed and talked about by people you’ve never met, miles away - there’s magic in that. For instance, the other day I watched a (hilariously accurate) video about how stressful doing math homework was with your parents help. I thought that only happened to me? My abuela, an actual math genius and accountant, used to get so frustrated with me - it would end in screaming matches, headaches and silent treatments. It felt like we were speaking different languages and I could not understand her explanations for the life of me, it was a whole thing. In this video, the girl is jokingly crying while an adult tries to explain a math problem - I felt so seen! I know thats silly in theory, but you know what is comforting? The fact that my experience wasn’t special.

That sentence is a bit unhinged, but hear me out. Often, what stresses me out is founded on the thought that something is only happening to me - no one is as stressed as me at work, no one has as much debt as me, no one struggles with eating normal portions like I do.

What the internet has shown me, is that I am truly the least special person in the world, and I could not be happier.

My struggles or problems aren’t the first and they sure as hell aren’t going to the last - people all over the world have the same thoughts, stressors, joys and even taste in jokes. Not being the first, the pioneer of these thoughts really brings me such a relief - people have those feelings and still function, still thrive, even get past it. Special, is overrated. This is one time that I don’t mind being in the majority, and it feels really good. I get relief from the fact that I’m not alone and we are all going through these things together, for better or worse.

Sometimes, I don’t know why I do it. Why I scroll, why I open one of the apps just to pee. By the way, what did we do when we pee’d pre-social media? Just sit there? I was there to experience it and I can’t even imagine, which is wild. Like a toxic partner though, the good moments keep me coming back. Not sure if I’ll ever break up with social media, but I know that if I do, I’ll take the lessons learned with me. Which, for the record, y’all should do too if exiting a toxic relationship - take the lessons and leave. Until then, be toxica and enjoy.