The Pros and Cons of Porn

I’ve always been fascinated about the arguments for and against porn. How it can be detrimental to women but also empowering them? How is it taboo while also mainstream? Porn itself seems like a never-ending oxymoron.

Then, you get to the crux of the issue - is porn bad? What is it about porn that makes it so polarizing, even illegal in some places. If there’s anything we can agree on, I think we can all rally around the fact that porn isn’t perfect. In some ways, its a pillar of many’s journey into adulthood and in others, a very vivid example of the worst parts of humanity. Fresh off watching Netflix’s ‘Money Shot: The PornHub Story’ - I have some thoughts.

For me, porn started out more comical than sexy. I looked out of curiosity to see what all the hype was about and laughed at how outlandish some of the scenes, outfits and moves were. It was all so fake, and that is coming from someone who had nothing to compare it to at the time. The categories too - I didn’t know what half of it meant and I didn’t want to know either.

Eventually, through a long and sometimes painstaking journey of trial and error, I found categories or videos that I enjoyed. Not that you could talk about that, not without judgement anyway. I honestly didn’t see what the big deal was - you talk about regular movies, so why not talk about porn movies? Apparently, not the same.

I don’t know how and when porn movies became so disassociated from movies on the big screen. They both had scripts, scenes, costumes and hired actors - why were they cast into the shadows? Porn felt like something you’d watch for entertainment, not as a sex 101 course. In all fairness, society has shown that not everyone interprets porn the same way I do, but I wasn’t alone back then and I’m happy to learn I’m not alone now.

“I’m sure that pornography is fine for consenting adults. Maybe it’s dehumanizing, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have a place among adults who are aware of what they’re doing. The problem is when kids happen upon it by accident and that becomes their reference for sex.”

I read this quote from Jennifer Garner back in 2014 and it stuck with me. I doubt that she intended to leave a lifelong mark on me, but it really summarized how I felt about porn then and even today. I will proactively share my bias as a big Jennifer Garner fan, but her point resonated. Porn isn’t the problem, how people use it is.

If you use porn as a tool for arousal, to get ideas, a way to satisfy curiosity into a lifestyle different than yours or even laughter, there’s no harm in that. Where porn starts to be harmful is when its used as an educational tool for those who don’t grasp the context that porn is not based in reality, especially for kids. Most people don’t have sex with their pizza delivery guy, majority of parties don’t end in orgies and most women don’t orgasm at the same time the guy does. If that last point is new information to you, I am sorry and you’re welcome.

Thinking that intimacy and sex emulate what you see in porn is dangerous for a variety of reasons. While this is changing, majority of porn is male-gaze-driven. Not just male-gaze-driven, but almost aggressor focused. The emphasis is not on a woman’s pleasure and it tends to have women present more as tools for men getting off as opposed to an equal player in the scene. A constant barrage of women being choked, passed around, even fondled while unconscious is not a rare occurrence on porn sites - but it sure as hell isn’t the norm in real life.

I have talked about this in multiple friend groups, ranging in backgrounds, ages, you name it. Many women do not have those preferences set as defaults - those moves would not be expected and welcome without hesitation in day to day intimacy. I’m not saying they wouldn’t be up for trying some of those things, but to frame them in a way that its typical can have some real repercussions in and outside of the bedroom.

I love porn! Is that a little much? I really enjoy it. Is that better? The stigma of porn (especially being embraced by women) is so strong that even I can’t help but feel a little shy typing that - and I know its nothing to be ashamed of. Porn can be a great peak into things you’re curious about, a tool to indulge in your fantasies or some general inspiration to spice up the mundane. There are more options in the industry than ever before, I’d argue that we’re in the golden era of porn (up until now anyway). Sex workers have the ability to work for themselves, there are more female directors and consent is being brought to the forefront in ways never been done before.

Porn is evolving and we have to keep up. We need to use it for pleasure (pun intended) and not as a playbook. You wouldn’t look for a rat that’s a low key chef after watching Ratatouille, would you? Same logic. Watch the movie, enjoy it (alone or with a friend) and keep it moving. Don’t make it weird and ruin it for the rest of us, please.